


At The Grave Of My Heart

by alexus



Series: The Memories Remain [2]
Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Angst, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-24
Updated: 2018-04-24
Packaged: 2019-04-27 05:08:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14418348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alexus/pseuds/alexus
Summary: Post-Chosen fic. Willow’s thoughts at the grave of her best friend.





	At The Grave Of My Heart

**Author's Note:**

> All characters belong to Joss Almighty

_The one you love is dead_   
_feeling so empty inside_   
_I know it hurts_

_Out from the depths_   
_I cry to you_   
_shed all your tears_   
_for the one, who is dead…_

_Trouble, “Pray For the Dead”_

“You don’t know how much someone means to you until this person is gone… You have no idea what it’s like to lose someone who has been such an important part of your life for so long. And you’re still here grieving, left with this deep dark hole where your heart used to be. Full of emptiness inside, with tears and agonizing pain as your only company.

We’ve all been through many things for all these years. We fought the good fight, clashed with every creature or entity hell-bent on destroying mankind. We tasted victories and defeats. We saw people dying and coming back to life, saw good people gone bad and vice versa, saved the world on almost daily basis, acquired unbelievable power and knowledge...

However even in my worst nightmares I couldn’t predict what it would be like to stand here, at the grave of my best friend, the grave of my heart… My vision is blurred because tears keep falling and falling… I can’t stop crying since the fateful day my little Xander, my best friend in the whole world, my brother, my soulmate, my savior has been taken from me.

In the times of hope and innocence I believed both of us would live that long to end up in a neighboring nursing homes… How sweet and naïve we were, how little did we know…

To this day my mind refuses to believe it all… The very thought of my Xander being gone… makes me wanna scream in anger and despair, makes me feel like my heart was torn out of my chest, makes me wanna die. Oh please, Goddess, help me…

It hurts so damn much to realize that from now on I will never see those beautiful eyes, never hear this voice, never feel the warmth of his embrace. There’ll be no more late night chats and film quotes games, library research and pizza parties, twinkies and jokes… We will never comfort each other, never say all those things we used to say, never show how much we meant to one another…

…When Tara died the pain was unbearable… I couldn’t come to terms with this terrible loss. I hated myself, hated everyone, wanted to punish the whole world for taking her away from me… I killed Warren and was ready to destroy millions of innocent lives… But you were there, Xander, you have saved your Willow, you’ve brought me back… Your love gave me strength to carry on, like a beacon of hope it led me through the darkness of the night… You were my rock, my savior, my guiding light. You saved me in every way that a person can be saved…

My world has almost stopped, when I saw you lying on this hospital bad, sedated after that bastard had gouged out your eye… Even now I can still feel your pain flowing through me. Recalling that moment, I can steel sense fear of losing one more person I love. I wanted to rip that that animal apart with my bare hands, to hurt him in the most cruel way… And I wanted to hit Buffy for her seeming indifference, for her unwillingness to be beside her friend, when he needed her the most…

And now when you’re gone, I just don’t know… don’t know who I am, what I am, what am I to do… Don’t know what lies ahead, what tomorrow brings, where we’ll all be, if there’s something left of me…

In a way I’m glad old Sunnydale is gone for good, because it’s every street and every corner could bring back so many overwhelming memories… You were the only constant in my life for all these years, Alexander Harris, did you know that? Looking back it seemed that my very first memories were of you. Before Buffy came I can’t remember a single moment of my life without my best and dearest friend in the picture…

…I still can’t believe it. Yet I’m standing here, all alone in this eerie place, staring at the cold tombstone with the words carved: “Alexander Lavelle Harris. 1981 – 2008. Life is not forever. Love is”.

Someone, please tell me it isn’t true! Tell me he’s still alive and well, searching for slayers somewhere in Africa, helping Buffy deal with the stuff or assisting Giles with all the things Council-y... Or that he had retired and now enjoys happy family life with big house, beautiful wife, adorable kids, dog and fishing or picnics on weekends… Somebody tell me my Xander is alright and this is just a bad dream!!!

Please, Xander, don’t go… You can’t leave us like that… you have to live!! Don’t leave me here, I beg you, Xander…

I fall down on my knees as tears go by… In a way tears bring some relief… Because of them I’m unable to see my Xander’s grave at least for a moment… Because I know that it isn’t just him, but also a part of my soul buried down there.

Xander… You know, there is so much things I want to tell you… so much things I should have told you when you were still around… Xand, you have no idea, how much I hate myself for not having time, for failing you… in so many things… Xander, no words can describe how I regret you and me drifting so far apart. How sorry I am for letting so many things stand between us.

Xander, if you hear me now, please forgive me… Forgive me for being such a terrible friend, for almost never being there for you when you needed… I beg your forgiveness, Xander… For taking you for granted. For being selfish power-hungry bitch and pushing you away from my life. For choosing everyone and everything else over you. For all the pain I have caused you, for all the scars I’ve left on your body and your soul. I really hate myself for this.

But, you know, Xander, I never stopped loving you. And I’ve been loving you since the dawn of time. You were my first love, I lost count of the nights spent dreaming and fantasizing of you, of holding you in my arms, kissing your lips, caressing you, making love to you… Even when I was with Oz, or Tara, or Kennedy, or Aluwyn, part of my heart always belonged to you. It still does. I guess that’ll never change and those feelings I have since I don’t remember when will die with me.

I love you, Xander, even after all these years. I tried to stop, but I failed. I told you once I was over you, but I lied… And I can’t forgive myself for this. I can’t forgive myself for not showing you my true feelings when we had a chance. We could be together Xander, ain’t no doubt about it… We could make each other happy. Sure, we’ve fucked it all up. Like, you know, there’s this bad timing, and other people, and missed opportunities, and everything… But knowing you, being friends with you, having you in my life for over twenty years, with all of our moments remaining in my heart, I can reach for an island of joy in the sea of sadness…

I love you, Xander Harris. Always have, always will. Love you in every possible way, every meaning of this word. You were the one who taught me those things there on the Bluff. Your unconditional love had opened my eyes. You showed me what true Love is, what it looks like. That love is more than just sex or sexuality, or mere affection. That love is a bigger thing. Bigger than power, status, lust, knowledge or magic. Love is self-sacrifice above all else. “Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends.” – I guess that’s how they say it in the Bible? And for the most of your life you’ve been the perfect epitome of those words, Alexander Harris. I don’t know if I ever met someone as unselfish and unconcerned for his own well-being as you… You helped us, you protected us… You’ve spent years fighting and saving and you’ve died fighting and saving. You’re a real hero, Xander, my hero, but even this fact cannot ease the pain of losing you…

Since you been gone, there’s one poem that constantly comes to my mind. I’ve read it first when I was at college. It’s “The Life That I Have” by Leo Marks. I don’t know if I ever read it to you, but the words remind me of you and your life, of who you were and what you mean to us…

_The life that I have_   
_Is all that I have_   
_And the life that I have_   
_Is yours_   
_The love that I have_   
_Of the life that I have_   
_Is yours and yours and yours._   
_A sleep I shall have_   
_A rest I shall have_   
_Yet death will be but a pause_   
_For the peace of my years_   
_In the long green grass_   
_Will be yours and yours and yours._

You’ve been gone not so long ago, but I’m already miss you, sweetie… All of us miss you so much: Buffy and Dawn, Faith and Robin, Giles and Andrew, Kennedy and other girls, even Angel and Spike (I know you’ll find it hard to believe, but it’s true)… Poor Dawnie, she was so devastated, she couldn’t sleep or stop crying for several days, she still can’t come to grips with you not being here beside her. Buff tries to hold on, tries to be strong for her little sis and for everyone, but deep inside it’s getting harder with each passing day – I can feel it. She knew you for a very long time, she still can’t believe you’re with us no more. Faith’s on the verge of breaking up, I can see it in her eyes… As tough as she is, she mourns you and doesn’t know what to do... Giles… You might find it hard to believe, Xander, but you were like son to him, and it’s hard to lose someone this close… It hurts, Xander… Hurts to know you’re no longer with us, to see them suffering, to see this pain and despair radiating from everyone…

Maybe it sounds selfish, but even at this moment I fight temptation to cast a spell and bring you back from the dead. The only thing that stops me is my knowledge of you never approving stuff like that, my dear friend. But it hurts, Xander, it’s tearing me apart… Magic can give you many things, it can make you feel like the most powerful creature in the universe, but, as corny as it sounds, it can’t bring you happiness, can’t fill this emptiness inside, can’t replace someone you love…

Sometimes I feel I can handle everything the world throws at me, but even the most brutal physical torture can’t compare to the torment of losing you… Only here and now I finally understand, what was it like for you when Anya didn’t make it through the Final Fight…

My body keeps shaking with sobs, there are moments I can’t hear my own thoughts because of constant crying and overwhelming sorrow. I lose track of time being here among the tombstones... It’s getting cold and almost dark, but I don’t wanna go home. See, I don’t know where my home is now, don’t know what to do… Goddess, how I wish you were here… I miss you and I miss the old times…

You were my friend since forever, Xander. I don’t know if I can carry on without you… All of these things that I held dear, all the things that were precious to me, everything that used to bring me joy or purpose in life… they just don’t matter anymore. Nothing does.

There are moments when I hope against hope that sooner or later you will call and we’ll be talking about everything all night long. Or we’ll be watching ‘Charlie Brown’s Christmas’ at your place… Or I will enter the library and find you sitting there, helping Giles. Or we’ll be hanging at our favorite spot in the ‘Bronze’ with Buffy, Anya, Tara, Giles and everyone else like in the good old days. You will tell me about your adventures in Africa and I’ll try to describe my journeys in different dimensions… We’ll hunt vamps, defeat Big Bads, save the world (once again) and I can even teach you some of my magic tricks…

Why, Xander, why?.. Why, dammit?? Of all people why does it have to be you?? Where are you now, Xander? How could you leave your Willow here all alone?! I want to scream and bang my head against the cold stone… Oh Goddess, please help me…

…Probably for the first time in my life I begin to pray… Pray for Xander and Tara, and all the friends and lovers we’ve lost. I pray for their souls and for all of us still here, left behind, mourning the losses. I hope and pray for my best friend to be in a better place, a beautiful place, a quiet and peaceful place. A place free from suffering and tears… I pray that one day – and I hope that day will come sooner than later – I will meet him again. And we’ll be happy together in eternity…”

_You were never one for waiting_   
_Still I always thought you'd wait for me_   
_And have you from your dreams awakened_   
_And from where you are what do you see_

_Which of us is now in exile_   
_Which in need of amnesty_   
_Are you now but an illusion_   
_In my mind alone you breathe_

_You believed in things that I will never know_   
_You were out there drowning but it never showed_   
_‘Till inside a rainswept night you just let go_

_You've thrown it all away_   
_And now we'll never see the ending to the play_   
_The grand design, the final line_   
_And what was meant to be_

_In the dark a distant runner_   
_Now has disappeared into the night_   
_Leaving us to stand and wonder_   
_Staring from this end into your life_

_You believed in things that I will never know_   
_You were out there drowning but it never showed_   
_'Til inside a rainswept night you just let go_

_You've thrown it all away_   
_And now we'll never see the ending to the play_   
_The grand design, the final line_   
_And what was meant to be_

_And if this is all illusion_   
_Nothing more than pure delusion_   
_Clinging to a fading fantasy_   
_Like Icarus who heeds the calling_   
_Of a sun but now is falling_   
_As the feathers of his life fall free_   
_Can you see_   
_See_

_Tomorrow and after_   
_You tell me what am I to do_   
_I stand here believing_   
_That in the dark there is a clue_

_Perhaps inside this midnight sky_   
_Perhaps tomorrow's newborn eyes_   
_Or could it be, we'll never know_   
_And after all this was the show_

_What am I to do_   
_Gotta get back_   
_Gotta get back_   
_Gotta get back_

_What am I to do_   
_Gotta get back_   
_Gotta get back_   
_Gotta get back_   
_What am I to do_

_Standing on a dream isn't what it seems_   
_Could we then reclaim a dream refused_   
_Knowing what we know could we let it go_   
_Realizing that all the years are used_

_Tomorrow and after_   
_You tell me what am I to do_   
_I stand here believing_   
_That in the dark there is a clue_

_I am the way, I am the light_   
_I am the dark inside the night_   
_I hear your hopes, I feel your dreams_   
_And in the dark I hear your screams_

_Tomorrow and after_   
_You tell me what am I to do_   
_I stand here believing_   
_That in the dark there is a clue…_

_Savatage, “Alone You Breath”_

**The End.**


End file.
